CLAMP and the Quest for the Holy Feathers
by 20 Thousand Leagues
Summary: Sakura, Queen of the Britons, etc, and Shaoran are searching for knights for Sakura's very round table. Chaos, predictably, ensues. A Monty Python and the Holy Grail spinoff crossover. Chapter 6: Brave, brave Sir Watanuki meets his match.
1. Sakura, Queen of the Britons, etc

A/N: An (obviously ) AU Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It will begin following the original plotline, but should deviate as I go on. I've fit as much Python humor and Python lines in as I could, to satisfy the purists. Crossover fic- Tsubasa and xxxHOLiC mainly, although Card Captor Sakura references might be made. Pairings will include as much Touya/Yukito as I can fit, Shaoran/Sakura, KuroFai, and DouWata.

It all began, our story teller clarified, when Queen Sakura and her trusty servant Shaoran arrived at Castle No. 1. The newly crowned Sakura was searching for knights to add strength and legitimacy to her new army. She was, of course, the sister of Touya, arriving from the new court at Camelot, Queen of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sultan of all England, which was noted by all by the fact that she didn't have shit on her. Now Sakura never introduced herself like that, seeing as it would have been ridiculously pompous, but she did have to say something to the two soldiers watching her from her tower.

"Hello!" she cried eloquently, startling Extra No. 1.

"Who goes there?"

"Um... Sakura?" she responded timidly. Shaoran, trusty Shaoran, heaved a deep sigh and stepped up.

"She is Sakura, Queen of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sultan of all England. I'm Shaoran. We have ridden the lengths and breadths of the land in search of Knights who will join her at the court in Camelot, which has a very large, very round table. We must speak to your lord and master."

"Shaoran!" a very pink Sakura squeaked beside him.

"We have to, your majesty," Shaoran assured her, although he knew for certain at least 2 titles could have been taken off. That probably would have added to her comfort level, but it would certainly not do for anyone to disrespect his princess, now, would it? Unfortunately, the guard ignored the titles and inquired promptly,

"Where'd you get the coconuts?" Both Sakura and Shaoran were startled.

"What, these? We found them," Shaoran replied, a bit confused by the non requiter.

"Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical. This is a temperate zone!"

"The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land," Sakura explained eloquently, before frowning slightly, "or at least that's what Yukito always said."

"Well, then are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" The soldier responded in complete disbelief.

"Well, no," Sakura said, "I guess they could be carried."

"Well, then, a swallow carrien' a coconut?"

"It could grip it by the hask," an impatient Shaoran retorted, seeking to move on.

"It's not a question of where he grips it," the soldier began in complete disgust, "it's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could NOT carry a one pound coconut!"

"It really doesn't matter," Shaoran answered.

"Here, listen. In order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second. Am I right?"

"Is he right, Shaoran?" Sakura inquired. Shaoran looked confused, but bore with the majority, saying,

"I suppose so."

"Well," interrupted a new voice, "an african swallow could carry it!"

"Yes, maybe, but african swallows aren't migratory!"

"That's true. What if two swallows carried it together?"

"Queen Sakura," Shaoran whispered, "let's get out of here."

Throwing one more look up at the still-arguing guards, Sakura agreed and they galloped off into the conveniently setting sun. Shaoran's portable sundial read 3:00 in the afternoon.

The next stop on Sakura and Shaoran's list of castles to seek knights at was not too far away, but it didn't seem too impressive. Stopping to inquire about the state of its owners, Sakura called to a fellow on the side of the road, "Um, old woman!"

"Man!" the old "woman" called back.

"Oh gosh, man, sorry. What knight lives in this castle?"

"I'm 17! I'm not old!"

"I'm so sorry!" cried a dismayed Sakura. "But I can't just call you man."

"M'name's Watanuki."

"Watanuki, right. What knight lives up there?" Shaoran attempted to take control of a rapidly deteriorating situation.

"I object to you automatically treating me like an inferior!"

"Well, she IS queen you know," Shaoran defended.

"Queen, eh? Very nice. And how'd she get that, eh?"

"Well," Sakura interrupted timidly, "see, my older brother was king but then he retired to the south of France with his best friend and lover and so now I have to rule." Sakura said this very matter-of-factly, as if she considered fleeing your country with the High Priest without warning and leaving the country to your 15-year-old sister was a commonplace thing. Actually, in Sakura's world, it probably was.

"No," Watanuki insisted, " you got it by exploiting the workers, by hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society."

"Well," said Sakura thoughtfully, "I can't have that. How about you become a knight at our very very very round table at Camelot and help me stop.. um... "perpetuating the economic and social differences in our society'".

Shaoran couldn't help but be amazed as Sakura turned to smile at him. She could be manipulative! Shaoran felt proud.

"Um.. well, sure, I guess," Watanuki stammered in response, and Sakura knighted him on the spot.

Watanuki Kimihiro made the third knight in Queen Sakura's army of DOOM! -cough- the newly-united England's mediocre fighting force. Already recruited were Kurogane, a loyal knight that Sakura's dear friend Tomoyo, Princess of Mercia, had sent to her, and Doumeki Shizuka, formerly a judge in a small town in Kent. Sakura and Shaoran had stopped by the town while castle-hopping, and Sakura had been very impressed by the man's logic. Shaoran had been less impressed, but had refrained from commenting. He disliked witches as much as the next Englishman, but he thought that a duck was not necessarily the best basis for a legal system. Maybe Sir Watanuki would agree with him.

The three of them- Sir Watanuki, Queen Sakura, and Shaoran- were on their way back to Camelot now, where they could reunite with Sir Doumeki and Sir Kurogane to hold a conference at their very very round table. From there they would await a crisis or a quest (it could go either way, since it was Sakura concerned).


	2. Camelot!

  
So Queen Sakura and her Knights continued on towards the Castle at Camelot, where they would meet up with Sir Kurogane the Brave and Sir Doumeki the Wise. However, the progress had been painful for Shaoran. Sir Watanuki the Pure, it seemed, was quiet and polite until one started him on the subject of government. Today the rant had been set off by Sakura's royal staff. Watanuki had asked where it was from, and the answer had NOT been satisfactory. 

"Look, strange beasts lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!"

"Sir Watanuki–" Shaoran tried to interrupt him mid rant.

"If I went round, saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"

"Maybe they ought to," Shaoran muttered.

"Sir Watanuki," Sakura said sweetly, "that's why we have you, isn't it? To stop the violence inherent in the system."

"Well, right!" He puffed up proudly.

They proceeded on with minimal interruptions, reaching Camelot the next morning.

"Camelot!" cried Sakura with delight.

"Camelot!" parroted Shaoran.

"It's only a model," grumbled Watanuki. He was promptly ignored, which seemed to be happening more and more often.

"Shall we?" Sakura smiled at Shaoran, 'dismounted' and, together, they entered the fabled castle at Camelot.

The three had made it three feet in the door when Sakura squealed in a very 15-year-old-girlish way, betraying her usually regal manner. "YUKI!!!"

"Sakura-chan!" Yukito smiled back."How's your reign been going? To-ya and I are back for just a couple of days– he wants to go on to Germany. I was thinking Spain, though." His glasses glinted a little. "I guess we'll see. Oh, but we met some of your new knights. Touya and Sir Kurogane are a little similar, aren't they? And Sir Doumeki is very charming."

"Yep!" She beamed, "I'm so glad I get to see you guys again! You've been gone for way, waaay too long! Oh, this is Sir Watanuki; Sir Watanuki, this is Yukito.. He was the court magician for a really long time, but he's not anymore. Now he and my brother are lovers and they travel!"

"Ah.. right," Watanuki agreed, "It's an honor to meet you, Yukito-sama."

"An honor to meet you too, Sir Watanuki. Welcome to Camelot! Shall we go and meet up with the other three?"

"Right!" Sakura beamed again, starting off at an almost-skip, "come on, Shaoran, Sir Watanuki!" They followed her indulgently, if with less enthusiasm, into the Room Containing the Very Very Round Table.

Yukito flung open the doors, stepping through first, with Sakura, Shaoran, and Kimihiro following.

"Yuki?" Touya asked, looking up from his chess game with Sir Doumeki, "Hey! You found a monster, and a brat! Good job."

"I am NOT a monster!" screeched Sakura. Everyone except Yuki and Shaoran looked confused.

"...Who's he?" Kurogane asked, raising a (malicious-looking) eyebrow. Watanuki gulped a little, intimidated by the man's vicious, blood-red glare.

"Oh! Right!" Sakura turned, a little flustered. Shaoran continued to watch in amusement. "Sir Kurogane the Brave, Sir Doumeki the Wise, this is Sir Watanuki the Pure. Sir Watanuki the Pure, these are my other two loyal knights of the very very round table, Sir Kurogane the Brave and Sir Doumeki the Wise."

"Oi, you. Where're you from?"

"My name is NOT OI!"

"..."

"STOP THAT!" It was, Yukito and Sakura thought happily, the beginning of a beautiful new relationship. Touya and Shaoran were worried about possible bloodshed. Kurogane didn't give a damn.

Sakura and Yukito have this obnoxious habit of being right.


	3. The Knight in the Very Expensive Forest

"Queen Sakura," Shaoran asked her on their third day in Camelot, "How long are we planning to stay here?"

"Um," she thought a minute, "I guess I don't know. Yuki and Toya-nii-san left for Spain yesterday, so I suppose we should move on now. Camelot 'tis a silly place."

"I agree most fully," Shaoran said, feeling very relieved. "I'll go fetch Sir Kurogane, Sir Watanuki, and Sir Doumeki."

And so they set off, these three most noble knights. There was Sir Kurogane, the immensely, recklessly brave; Sir Doumeki, the infinitely wise know-it-all, smart-ass, obnoxious son of a– WATANUKI! STOP THAT! ehm Sir Doumeki the wise, Sir Watanuki, the pure and easily irritated, and of course the aptly named Sir Not Appearing in this Parody. These Most Holy Knights of this Very Round Table had banded together with Sakura, Queen of the Britons, etc., to protect her and to earn fame and glory throughout the land.

The five of them had hardly made it a mile from the grand Castle of Camelot ( "It's only a model!" "SHUT IT, WATANUKI!" ) when they encountered difficulties. They were striding (or riding, in Sakura's case) through a very dark, and very expensive forest, when they came upon a clearing. Therein stood a boy that looked excessively like Shaoran, to the extent they could have been clones. He was dressed in black armor, and he held a sword, blood dripping ominously off the end.

"Um, Sir Knight," Sakura began, and the knight paid her no heed. "I'm looking for knights to join me at my court at Camelot. Would you care to join us?" The Knight paid her still no heed. At this point, everyone was questioning both Sakura and this knight's sanity. "Well, if not," Sakura had started to sound less stately and more nervous, "then we'll just be passing through here." Her horse made to take a step forwards, and the Shaoran-clone stepped forward to block her path.

"You may not pass," he intoned dully.

"Pardon?"

"You may not pass," he repeated.

"But I need to pass," she said.

"Then you will die," he continued in monotone.

"Oh, this is ridiculous," said Kurogane, who stepped forwards, parried, thrusted, and cut the man's left arm off. "You done now?"

"'Tis but a scratch," he said.

"He cut your arm off!" Sakura exclaimed.

"I've had worse," he dismissed her, "so come on, you pansy!"

It was deja vu all over again. Parry, thrust, arm falls off.

"All right, fight over, I won," Kurogane sounded bored. He began to proceed.

"Well, come on then, what're you waiting for?" screeched Clone!Shaoran.

"Pardon?" asked Sakura and Shaoran at once.

"Have at you!"

"Look," interrupted an irritated Watanuki, "you've got no arms left, you stupid bastard."

"Yes I have." A collective eyebrow was raised. "'Tis but a flesh wound."

"Look, stop that," Shaoran said. Sakura looked vaguely concerned by this display.

"Chicken! Chicken!" taunted Shaoran 2, creating a strange picture.

"Look," said an exasperated Shaoran 1, "I'll have your leg."

He chopped it off.

"That's it! Come here!"

"What are you going to do, bleed on him?" asked Kurogane.

"I'm invincible!" the other-Shaoran exclaimed, starting to cackle.

"You're a loony," said Doumeki.

"The Black Knight always triumphs! Well, have at you!" Doumeki chopped the knight's other leg off. Shaoran 2 looked vaguely concerned for a moment.

"Well," he said pensively, "we'll have to call it a draw." the clone announced. Kurogane and Doumeki snorted in unison and Shaoran began to lead the gaping Sakura away. "Are you running away? Come back, you pansies! I'll bite your legs off! Have at you!"

As the royal party continued into the distance, Sakura turned to Shaoran and asked,"Shaoran-kun, do you have a brother?"

"No," he replied.

"Are you sure?"

"Fairly."

"How about a twin?"

"Nope."

"An evil clone?"

"Not to my knowledge. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason," she looked relieved, "I was just curious." 


	4. Vetchez la Vache!

The royal party had only narrowly survived the dangerous, intense encounter with the vicious Black Knight of the Very Expensive Forest. This extremely close call with such an amazingly skilled opponent had lead Queen Sakura to announce that more knights were needed to fill up the ranks of the Very, Very Round Table at Marvelous Camelot. None of the others had agreed. Shaoran had protested, albeit weakly, that they were really fine as they were,and that they were perfectly strong and they hadn't come out with a single scratch, had they? Kurogane protested more loudly, exclaiming that he was perfectly capable of protecting Queen Sakura by himself, thank you, and that knight didn't have shit on him, thank you, and had continued on in this manner until Watanuki interrupted him. Watanuki's protests were much louder and involved MUCH more flailing.

"WE DON'T NEED MORE KNIGHTS, Queen Sakura! WHAT IF WE GET ANOTHER WORTHLESS ONE LIKE DOUMEKI, OHMYGOD WHAT IF THERE'S ANOTHER DOUMEKI OUT THERE–"

"Sir Watanuki!" Shaoran tried to make himself heard.

"Another Sir Doumeki would be wonderful!" exclaimed Sakura. Watanuki stared at her in awe, and Shaoran took that moment to divert Watanuki's attention by starting him on a tirade that all of them could safely ignore, his usual "representative government" spiel. Hah. Like anything like THAT would ever happen in good old England. Besides, a two thirds majority? What a random number! Why not four fifths? Eighteen nineteenths? One hundred and one hundred and seconds?! Shaoran had analyzed this a little too deeply by this point.

Luckily, Shaoran's bordering-on-psychotic, melancholy thoughts were interrupted by Doumeki pointing at the horizon.

"Look," he intoned, startling Shaoran out of his reverie and Watanuki out of his rant.

"WHAT, cretin?" Doumeki pointed, and that sufficed to get his message across. Rising on the horizon was another castle, as if Sakura had conjured it up herself.

"It's only a model," grumbled Watanuki.

"No it's not," Doumeki said, "you can see the shadow." Watanuki looked absolutely, explosively furious. Shaoran intervened.

"Sir Doumeki," he cautioned, "I would recommend you shut up now."

Shaoran's reasoning was partly due to the fear of permanent deafness the entire party (sans Watanuki) feared, and partly due to the immense feet that had descended from the shining golden cloud above them. Kurogane had been eyeing it a while, while Doumeki and Watanuki flirted, but Shaoran had caught on and decided that the feet were a little unnerving.

"SAKURA! Sakura, Queen of the Britons!" called a female voice from somewhere above the feet. Long, swinging black hair had descended too, now, and they could see the edge of what appeared to be a very elaborate kimono. The royal party immediately fell to their knees, with the exception of Kurogane, who was staring at the sky skeptically. "Oh, don't grovel!" complained the voice, "One thing I can't stand is people groveling."

"Sorry–" began Sakura, but the heavenly voice cut her off again.

"AND don't apologize! Every time I try and talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" or "I'm not worthy". What are you doing now?!?"

"We're averting our eyes, oh Lord," deadpanned Doumeki somewhat sarcastically.

"Well, don't! It's like those miserable Psalms, they're so depressing. Now knock it off! Ugh, it's so hard to talk to you from up here. I'm coming down."

"Yes, Lord!" chorused pious Sakura and Shaoran. A small piece of the glowing, golden cloud detached itself from the rest, and it floated down with a beautiful but indecently dressed woman.

"All right!" she cheered, taking a sip of the sake conveniently located beside her. "Sakura, queen of the Britons, your Knights of the Very Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times."

"Good idea, oh Lord! Er.. Lady?"

"OF COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA! Behold! Sakura, this is the Holy Feather. Look well, Sakura, for it is your sacred task to seek this feather. That is your purpose, Sakura– the Quest for the Holy Feather!"

"A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!" cried Watanuki.

"Lady," she corrected. "Actually, Yuuko's fine." With that, the revealingly dressed woman (Yuuko, apparently) rose up again in her cloud.

"Well," said a still skeptical Kurogane, "God be praised."

The royal party continued on now, re-motivated and reenergized, to the castle that Doumeki had pointed out. Sakura herself called out at this castle.

"Hello! Um, hello there?"

A voice called back down from over the edge, "Hallo! Who eez it?"

The accent surprised all of them, and set Doumeki and Kurogane on edge, but Sakura continued on bravely. "This is Sakura, Queen of the Britons, and these are the Knights of the Very Round Table. Who's castle is this?"

"Zis? Zis eez the castle of the Master Ruiz de lu la Rampou!"

"Er, well," said Sakura, shocked at finally getting a straight answer at a castle, "please go and tell your master that we have been charged by Yuuko-san with a sacred quest. If he cares to, he may join us in our Quest for the Holy Feather."

"Well. the voice said pensively, a bespectacled face peering over the parapets, "I can ask him, but Ah don't theenk he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see."

Shaoran and Watanuki looked aghast. "He's already got one?" Shaoran questioned.

"Why, yes, it's very nice-a." He snickered to himself, and the other guards snickered too.

"Well," said Shaoran reasonably, "can we come have a look?"

"NO!" was the vehement response. "You are English-types-a!"

"WELL THEN WHAT ARE YOU?" roared Kurogane, who looked outraged by the ridiculousness.

"I'm FRENCH! Why do you think I have this OUTRAGEOOOUS accent-a, you silly knigot!"

"Well what are you doing in England?" asked a confused Sakura.

"Mind your own businez!" shouted back the man with the strange chin.

"LOOK. If you do not show us the feather, we well have to take the damned castle by force!"

"Sir Kurogane!" exclaimed Sakura. The man leaning over the parapets screamed back,

"YOU don't frighten us, you English pig dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Sakura-queen, you and all of your silly kinigots. HMPH!"

Sakura and her entourage stared at the man in horror.

"...the fuck?" said Kurogane. "I'd be offended, if he had said anything that made the slightest whit of sense."

"He is French," offered up Watanuki as an explanation. Sakura decided to try a different approach.

"Now please look here, Sir Knight. What's your name?"

"Fei Wong Reed, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! Your brother is a hamster and his lover smells of elderberries!" Fei Wong Reed sneered at them.

These latest insults left Sakura slightly dazed and very confused. "Yuki doesn't smell like elderberries, I don't think..." she cocked her head to one side.

"What do elderberries smell like?" asked Shaoran, also deep in contemplation. This left Watanuki, Doumeki, Kurogane, and their wonderful social skills to deal with the crazy Frenchman.

"Is there someone else up there we can talk to?" asked Watanuki as politely as he could.

"NO! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!" chanted Fei Wong Reed, and Doumeki stepped forward to protect Watanuki.

"This is your last chance," he warned gravely. The guard snorted.

"Fetchez la vache!" he commanded to someone behind him.

"What?" asked Watanuki.

Kurogane looked interested for a moment. "Fetch the cow, I think."

A long "moooooooo!" sounded from the castle.

"Look," tried Watanuki one more time, "our demands are simple, and..." a large cow in a slingshot appeared over the edge of the castle. "Jesus Christ!" He stood staring in shock.

"Run away!" yelled Shaoran, who had regained his wits. Kurogane spared half a glance at the cow and French before grabbing Sakura and walking away. The others followed in a slightly more panicked retreat. Some time later, they sat huddled around a fire in the forest, with Watanuki planning revenge.

"We just have to build a large rabbit," he was insisting, "and let them wheel it inside. Then, Sir Kurogane, Shaoran, and I will jump out and attack!"

Sakura looked at him fondly. "I'm afraid not, by dear Sir Watanuki. I have decided that tonight is when we part, to search separately for the Holy Feather. I will be sad to leave our merry company, but I'm sure God– er, Yuuko-san, will reunite us once more at the end of our quest."

"Alone, Queen Sakura?" Shaoran said in horror. Was she leaving him?

"Er, well, not exactly alone. I figured that Shaoran and I would go together back into the Dark, and very Expensive Forest, Sir Kurogane would continue on to the South, and Sir Watanuki and Sir Doumeki would go to the west. No one has any objections, right?"

And so as Watanuki screamed objections as loud as he could, the five of them enjoyed a last dinner together before heading their separate ways.  



	5. Swamp Castle

And so Sir Kurogane the brave, and most expensive of the knights, headed of to the south, towards the great swamp of Celes, where he hoped to find clues about the location of the Holy Feather that that bitch-God-Yuuko had instructed them to seek. He had picked up a retainer somewhere along the way, too, who did little but mope and bang his coconuts together as he galloped valiantly down the road.

Little did Kurogane know that he was gallivanting off into a great, epic conflict that was taking place in Celes Castle, also known as Swamp Castle, because, you see, it was built in a swamp for no apparent reason.

"One day lad, all this will be yours," King Ashura promised grandly, with a magnificent toss of his very shiny hair.

"What, the curtains?" asked his son, a blond-haired, blue-eyed beauty called Fai D. Flourite, a prince with a penchant for magic and song. Also, pissing people off.

"No, not the curtains. All that you can see, all this land, stretched out over the hills…" and as the King droned on, Fai tuned him out in favor of strumming his lyre and gazing hopefully over the horizon.

"But mother-" began Fai.

"Father," corrected Ashura. Fai hid a grin.

"Father, I don't want any of that!"

"Well then what do you want?"

"To just- SING!"

"Stop that, stop that," Ashura interrupted disgustedly. "Look here, I built this kingdom up from nothing. Everyone said it was DAFT to build a castle in a swamp,"

"It was," said Fai under his breath.

"but I built it all the same! Just to show 'em. Then it sank into the swamp. SO! I built a second one. That sank too. So then I built a third one. That burned down, fell over and then sank into the swamp. By this point, I was beginning to wonder if I should have gone with the icy real estate up in Mercia, but I built a fourth one because damn if I was going to give up now. And that one stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad."

"Yes, yes," said the Prince with a breezy smile, "but I don't want any of that. I'd rather, rather just…. SING!" And Prince Fai burst into song.

"Oh stop that, stop that. Couldn't you focus more on the ruling-of-the-land and incredible-amounts-of-magic stuff?"

"I did," Fai said cheerily, "and I set the War Room on fire and created Chii."

"Oh, right, that's what happened. Selective memory, you know. Well, okay. In twenty minutes you're still getting married to that girl."

"But I don't want land."

"Look, Yuui-"

"Fai," he supplied.

"Fai, we live in a bloody swamp! We need this land!:"

"Well, you do, I don't. Besides, I don't like her. I want whoever I marry to have a certain special SOMETHING!"

"Goddamnit, stop that," Ashura flicked more shiny hair over his shoulder, "you're marrying her anyways. GUARDS!"

Fai snickered.

"Make sure the prince doesn't leave the room until I come and get him."

"Chii?"

"No, no. Keep the prince in this room, until I come and get him."

"Ah! Not to lave the room, even if you come and get him."

"No! Until. You, stay in the room, and make sure he doesn't leave."

"And you'll come and get Fai?"

"Yes."

"So Chii should just stop Fai from entering the room."

"No, no, look… Can I just get different guards?"

------

Shortly after this conversation, Kurogane had come within arrowshot of Swamp Castle. This was unfortunate for his retainer, because he got pierced through the heart by a seemingly stray arrow (decorated with pink feathers) that had a message wrapped around it.

Please save me! I'm on the top floor of Celes Castle!

"Goddamit," Sir Kurogane said, "I have to do this, don't I. The Princess'll be mad if I don't."

"Well, don't worry about me, Sir," said his squire valiantly, "please go on, nobly." And indeed, Kurogane walked off without further fanfare. "Wait…" the retainer was horrified, "I wasn't serious!"

------

"Alright, Yuui-"

"Fai,"

"Fai, let's go get you married."

" I won't go! I will wait for my valiant savior-"

"Is there a princess that needed saving here?" said Kurogane, deadpan, exactly on cue as he dropped in off a chandelier, covered in blood.

"My hero!" exclaimed Fai, hugging his arm tightly.

"Who the hell are you?" asked Ashura, "and did you just kill the bride's father?"

"Oh, did I? My b," the knight acknowledged, "I'm Sir Kurogane of the Very Very Very Round Table."

Two beats. Realization sunk in.

"OI! You're not a princess!"

"Nope, Kuo-puu! Now take me into the sunset!"

"Eh, you thought he was a girl? Happens a lot."

"GEROFF ME!"

"KURO-SAMA!"

"Well, we can't exactly have the wedding now, can we."

"I'm savED" Fai began to trill.

"STIOP THAT SINGING!" screamed Kurogane and the King together.

"Kuro-chan, finish rescuing me!"

"I'm not rescuing you!!"

"Oh yes you are," said the king, "now off you two go!" And seizing the opportunity, Ashura shoved them both on the chandelier and set them swinging off into the distance. Fai nearly impaled himself on a crystal spike, but Kurogane grabbed him, accidentally shearing his own arm off on the suspiciously fatal glorified lamp.

When the two lovebirds had escaped the castle, minus one arm, Fai began the proper introductions.

"Hi! I'm Fai D. Flowrite. You're Kuro-rin, right?"

"Kurogane."

"Well, I'm going to call you Kuro-kun."

'"No you're not!"

"Aw, Kuro-me, you're bleeding!"

"It wasn't my sword arm, I'll be fine." But Fai had other ideas.

"Yuuko-san! Yuu-ko-saaan!"

Accordingly, Kurogane flipped. "Not HER!"

"Not who, Sir Kurogane?"

"Ah, Yuuko-san! Pleasure to see you, as always," Fai said to the feet that had descended from the clouds. "Unfortunately, I got Kuro-chan's arm cut off, so I need to fix that."

"Oh, right-o, Fai-chan," Yuuko said, and a metal limb dropped from the clouds surrounding the Lady's slender ankles right onto Kurogane's head. "Here ya go. Just fuse it on with magic."

"Thanks Yuuko-san!"

"OW! And you're a damn mage, too? Dear god, because Yuuko wasn't enough…"

"Must be hitsuzen," said Fai cheerfully as he attached he replacement arm. "Now let's go, handsome dashing Sir Kuro-pi!"

Kurogane could do nothing but let out a groan.


	6. The 3 Headed Thing & Brave Sir Watanuki

As each of the knights went their separate ways, Sir Doumeki and Sir Watanuki rode off together into the west, towards the setting sun and, conveniently, another dark (but much less expensive) forest.

"Cheapskates," muttered Sir Watanuki. "The Queen gets the full shebang, now, does she, but the rest of the worlds' not worthy of the full-fledged forest, now, are we? Maybe it's divine right that she gets the better forest? The wealth should be shared among the people, and not distributed by anything the size of a plush toy."

"Hn."

"I loathe you."

"Make soba for dinner tonight."

"I DON'T TAKE ORDERS, YOU CRETIN! AND ADDRESS ME AS YOUR EQUAL. SUPERIOR, ACTUALLY. ADDRESS ME ONLY AS THE GREAT SIR WATANUKI."

"_Right_."

And so Kimihiro and Shizuka proceeded on into the forest, accompanied by Watanuki's minstrels, Maru and Moro. Soon, however, their peaceful path would be disrupted by something very, very distressing.

Maru and Moro were singing as usual, serenading their master Watanuki with a song of their own devising.

"Bravely bold Sir Kimihiro

Brought forth from Camelot.

He was not afraid to die,

Oh, brave Sir Kimihiro!

He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.

Brave, brave, brave Watanuki."

Doumeki was throwing concerned glances at Watanuki, now, like he'd really prefer if he were NOT killed in nasty ways. Watanuki didn't notice as he hummed along.

"He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp.

Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken!

To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away

And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Watanuki."

The knight of chastity had, by this point, begun to look vaguely horrified. Doumeki looked downright alarmed.

Maru and Moro trilled gleefully, "His head smashed in and his heart cut out,

And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged,

And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off,

And did we mention that he'd have an eye gouged out?

And…" Just as they would have launched into their description of what EXACTLY was going to happen, Doumeki stopped them.

"That's enough music for now," he said seriously. He put an arm around Kimihiro's shoulders, to steady him, and watched him concernedly.

"I-I'm fine," he reassured his fellow knight, pushing his arm off his shoulder. "We should keep going." The green tinge in his face faded away as they walked, until they stumbled upon a seemingly empty clearing.

"HALT!" came a disembodied voice. Watanuki stared, stricken, at what seemed to be empty air.

"What's there?"

"It's a knight! With THREE HEADS! Don't you see him?" he panicked, whipping his head towards Doumeki.

"Nope." He shrugged.

"INDEED! It is I, the three-headed knight, the fiercest creature for YARDS around!"

Doumeki snorted.

"Do not underestimate me, fool! Ahahahahahaha, watch as I do this!" And while the patch of empty atmosphere just shimmered slightly for Doumeki, Watanuki began to back away in fear.

"No, wait, no don't- AH!" he screamed, and one of his blue eyes very suddenly ended up a mess of blood.

"…goddamnit," said Doumeki, and he finished off the opponent (apparently a spirit or something) with his bow and hurried to call Yuuko. Who the hell though it was a good idea to make Watanuki a knight without teaching him how to defend himself?

A short conversation with Yuuko later, Sir Watanuki had half Shizuka's right eye and was thoroughly embarrassed.

"I just… let him tear my eye out?"

"Yup."

"Then I passed out, and you sacrificed part of yours for me."

"Yup."

"...why?" Kimihiro asked, looking a little lost with one golden eye and one sky-blue.

"Because," his friend answered sadly, "you should never put yourself in danger like that and you should never be hurt. You don't deserve that."

And Watanuki knew better than to argue. "Thank you," he said.

They continued on their way shortly after, and before long Maru and Moro began to do as they were employed and sing-

"Brave Sir Watanuki ran away.

Bravely ran away away…"

"I did NO SUCH THING!" At the very least, the minstrels were entertaining Doumeki, although he doubted that was the point.

"When Danger reared its ugly head,

He bravely passed out straight away

Yes brave Sir Watanuki turned about

And gallantly he chickened out.. "

"Lies! ALL LIES!!"

"Bravely bravely bravely bravely

Bravely bravely bravely bravely

Bravely bravely brave Sir Watanuki!"

"I never!"


End file.
